I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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