I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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