She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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