My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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