the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Found the puke drawer
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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