just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
This house was built for laser tag.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
