meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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