I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
