The maid of honor just puked.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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