this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
