i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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