its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
