Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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