upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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