some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Mom said you looked used
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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