I molested 6 butterflies tonight
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
