So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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