dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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