I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
