I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
