Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Two words: blizzard sex
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
