Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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