Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
