My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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