smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Non-Jews are for practice
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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