Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
