As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
When are your genitals available?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
