Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
