Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
