he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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