I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
