so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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