I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
