I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
