He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
