Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
