atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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