Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
