fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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