Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
