Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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