to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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