I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
