Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
