I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
