Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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