Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
as a side note pls kill me
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
