Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
