dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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