Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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