Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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