Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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