Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
