So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
