I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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